guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
