I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
