I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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