I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
