cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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