mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
