The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
