Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize