I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's shark week go big or go home
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
