The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
