Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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