I think I won the penis lottery.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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