Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
