i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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