all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
