the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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