You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
