party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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