have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
