It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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