it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
