hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
