it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
