there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
