I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
