Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
