You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
