I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
