there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
