I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
