I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
