i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
