So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
