She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
