you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
