every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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