he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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