I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
