i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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