I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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