Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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