I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
