I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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