By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
