Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize