Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Drunk is not a location!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
