Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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