Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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