i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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