Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
