its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
