Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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