i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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