Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
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you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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