That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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