hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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