1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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